How to help your children to cope with goodbyes

At some point in every person's life, there will come a time when you have to say goodbye.

Whether it be a friend, a teacher, a school, a home, family member, or a pet, it's part of our ever changing lives, and there really is no way around it--even if I sometimes I desperately wish that wasn't true.

My own children, at ages 5 and 3, have already had to say goodbye to people that they dearly love. Their paternal grandparents live out of state, and each time they visit, we look so forward to their arrival! But, then I begin to worry...how will my kids handle the goodbyes?

Will they be heartbroken?
Will they cry?
How do I help them to cope with these feelings?

I realize that it's important to let my children experience these natural feelings of sadness and heartbreak, and I do my best to support my kids as they go through such emotions. However, as a parent, I just want to protect them from any sadness or other emotional discomfort. 

As much as I wish I could, I simply can't protect my children from goodbyes. They've learned over time that grandma and grandpa always come back, and they get to see them over Skype on the weekends. As a result, over time having the grandparents leave has become less about saying goodbye and more about saying, "See you later!"

However, that's not always the case. Life happens. People move. Pets die. Tragedy strikes.

In fact, this morning my son asked me about goodbyes which is timely because it is something that is weighing heavily on my mind.

One of my work at home jobs is as an au pair agency counselor for my community. I get to work with young women from all over the world and the families who are hosting the young ladies for the year. Because of my job, my kids have been exposed to some amazing cultural experiences and wonderful people, and they've formed some lifelong connections.

The problem? The au pairs are only here for a year.

A year feels like forever AND like the blink of an eye.

Sometimes, someone walks into your life and you have an instant connection, one as deep as family, and you trust completely and just feel totally at ease. That' show my family feels about one of the au pairs I've worked with this past year, but her situation was not typical.

The au pair had to stay with us a bit while I worked to find her a new host family. In the process, she got to know my kids. I got to know her. We all love her like family, and now she is set to leave two weeks from today.

Can you see where this is going?

This morning, I reminded my kids that we would meet the au pair at the local park. My son, Hank, looked at me and said, "Mom, make sure that we see her as much as possible because what if we don't see her again?"

My heart broke.

Of course, we will see her as much as possible before she leaves, but what if we don't get to see her again after that? I started thinking about how I am going to help my kids to say goodbye, how we will keep in touch, how we can keep her alive in our family without her actually being here with us.


I started a list of things I can do to help my children with this goodbye and to keep the connection with this amazing young lady alive for my children, but to be completely honest, it's not just my kids who will be sad.

As I sit here typing out this post, I'm becoming all teary eyed and sad myself.

Goodbyes are hard for adults as well, sometimes even more so because we understand that it's not so easy to fly a family across the world to visit someone.

Here are a few things that I am doing to help my kids (and myself) to cope when saying goodbye to this very dear friend--I hope these tips will help your family as well:

1. Normalize my feelings
I'm going to let my children see me cry and be sad, and we're going to talk about. I'm going to model the behavior that I want them to feel ok with. I will show them that while I can be sad to say goodbye to a dear friend, I am also happy about the things I have in my life--including this young woman.

Normalizing my feelings with my children and pointing out all that we have to be happy for is also an opportunity to refocus--have your children list the things they are thankful for and appreciative of.

2. Normalize my kids' feelings
I am going to let my children cry, be sad, and feel how they feel. I will allow them to grieve in their own, unique ways. Luckily, they are still young enough that I can sometimes distract them a bit when things get to intense, but they are both inquisitive kids by nature. I know questions are coming, the most worrisome of which is, "What if we never see her again?"

3. We'll keep the memories alive
My children enjoy drawing and making things. We will spend time together drawing pictures, making cards, and sending letters to show our friend how much we love and miss her. And, maybe some of those drawings and other special items will also make their way to our own fridge and my children's bedroom walls.

4. Technology makes the far away seem right next door
Thank goodness for technology! We already plan to use Skype to keep in touch with our friend and to spend some time face-to-face. Skype has already done wonders for my children in keeping in touch with their out of state grandparents--and it's done wonders for me to keep in touch with Malea, my Mom2MomEd counterpart, since we actually live in different states!

My kids get to have breakfast almost every Sunday morning with their long distance grandparents. Skype has been a great bonding tool for my kids and for their grandparents.

I'm so grateful that we don't have to miss out on quite as much because of technology.

5. Goodbyes aren't always bad
Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason and leave a HUGE footprint on our hearts. For that, we should be thankful, and while we will miss the physical person, we get to keep the memories of them forever--the same is true of pets and places, right?

Of course, some goodbyes are easier said than done, and I may or may not end up eating my feelings--a habit I hope to not pass on to my kids.

I am also reminded myself of how lucky my family is--not only because we've had amazing people come into our lives, but because my kids have never known heartache or loss of a magnitude that comes with death.

Losing the physical presence of our friend will be sad for us, but it is far less traumatic that what my children my kids' ages have had to endure...for that I will always be thankful!

As promised above, we are spending as much time as possible with our au pair friend over the next two weeks, and we will make sure to enjoy every single minute of it! I'm sure this won't be a forever goodbye either--just between us, I've caught my husband planning a trip to visit in a couple of years when it's time to celebrate our anniversary!

This isn't a forever goodbye--it's a "See you later!" goodbye. Until later comes around, my kids and I may or may not be single handedly responsible for clogging up the mail system with all of our letters!

So instead of goodbye, we will send our friend on her way with a "See you later", or as they like to say in Jamaica, "Likkle More!"

If you speak languages other than English, how do you say not goodbye, but "See you later"?

How do you help your own children with difficult goodbyes and separations?

Did you enjoy this post? Be sure to find us on Facebook and Instagram for more goodness to help you advocate for and parent your kids! And, be sure to check out these great posts too:

• 5 Self Care Ideas for Busy Moms
• 4 Things I am NOT Doing This Summer
• Parenting My Spirited Child--Can You Relate?

Book Club--Part 5: The Trouble with Boys by Peg Tyre

Welcome back to our Mom2MomEd book club! We hope you've been following along! Previously, McKenzie and I have written our posts together after discussing the week's chapters, but last week, due to scheduling issues, McKenzie wrote a post solo, and this week it's my turn!

Because, you know, LIFE happens! 

Anyhow, today we are tackling chapters 10 and 11 of The Trouble with Boys: A Surprising Report Card on Our Sons, Their Problems at School, and What Parents and Educators Must Do by journalist Peg Tyre.

Let's get started, shall we?

Although I spent much of my formal education wishing I could be homeschooled, I had some amazing teachers. Some of them were men--two in elementary school.

There was my fourth grade teacher, Mr. B., who understood that kids needed movement, a balance of science and the arts, and a good mix of hands on projects woven in with the textbook-based curriculum. 

There was Mr. L., my sixth grade teacher who also liked projects, but also loved to lighten things up with a weekly logic puzzle and goofy prizes. He also believed that kids needed movement, but he also believed in rest and naps.

My son had an amazing fourth grade teacher before we began to homeschool--Mr. C. believed in the arts, creative writing, and movement. 

Yet, when a new teacher arrives at an elementary school, what do you think the reactions are? In chapter 10, Tyre uncovers the typical reactions: parents are worried and suspicious. They wonder why a man would want to teach elementary school. They whisper behind his back. They complain to the administration.

Men in teaching have to prove themselves much the same way women in male-dominated fields have to prove themselves. They have to work harder, be better, and go the extra mile.They also often face similar discrimination and gender stereotyping.

The sad thing is that our sons (and daughters) need both male and female teachers in their lives. Boys, in particular benefit from male teachers, as Tyre discovers, because male teachers are much more understanding of the boy experience--they have been there, done that.

According to Tyre's research, at the time of the writing of her book, the number of male teachers in the United States was at an all time low in elementary school with only 9-percent of teachers being men. 

However, Tyre's research also uncovered that while we do need more men in the teaching profession, the research actually seems to indicate that the gender of a student's teacher is less important than the sensitivity of that teacher to the student's and the class's needs. A teacher who is able to understand and balance the needs and challenges of boy students along with the needs and challenges of girl students is far more likely to have success with both. 

In chapter 11, Tyre begins to tackle the issue of boys and literacy--boys simply aren't reading as well as girls. My private tutoring practice, spanning more than two and a half decades bears this out well--in all of that time, of all of my reading students, only three have been girls. And, I have tutored A LOT of kids over those many years! 

Tyre's research uncovers just how wide the gap is between the vast majority of boys and their female counterparts when it comes to reading ability with huge numbers of boys falling into categories of below basic and barely literate. 

Can you guess which groups of boys in particular are falling into these categories of such low reading performance? What ages, socio-economic classes, or races do you think these boys belong to?

Would it surprise you to find out that it is ALL ages, ALL socio-economic classes, and ALL races of boys?

ALL categories of boys are under performing in reading (and writing...but that's the next chapter!) 

Tyre also notes that some studies suggest that if boys are not reading "at grade level" by the eighth grade, their likelihood of graduating from high school plummets. She points out early in the chapter that 40+ years ago this might not have been a huge hindrance as there were many avenues of work available with good, livable wages, that did not necessarily require a high level of literacy. Unfortunately, many of those jobs either no longer exist in large numbers in the United States or they don't pay as well as they once did. 

What's not clear, however, is the exact reason why boys fall behind in literacy--and stay there. While research is being done in an effort to gain insight into this issue, there have been no conclusive answers, despite a few studies having been widely cited as proving brain differences between female and male students. The research simply isn't well enough developed and has been misconstrued as saying something it may not actually mean.

Tyre does go on to look at possible ways to address male literacy deficits, but she also found that many people in the field of literacy and education are hesitant to talk about boy-centric issues since so much emphasis has been on female-centric learning issues for so long.

Tyre points out a few ways to help boys that you may find beneficial and that are somewhat in line with my reading suggestions in THIS post and THIS post. In particular, I want to highlight three topics that Tyre addresses and that have come up over and over in my tutoring practice:

1. Boys (and girls) MUST see their parents and other important adults in their lives reading--and they MUST see MEN reading.
Over time, boys typically begin to view reading as a female activity since most of the people they see reading or who suggest reading materials to them are women. These women often--but not always--also tend to focus on books that appeal more frequently to women and suggest such books to boys without realizing that they may not have the same appeal to a boy.

If you are a man and reading this, please make time to read with, to, or in front of your sons. If you are a woman reading this, please take the time to encourage the men in your son's life to read to, with, or in front of your sons. 

Boys need to know that reading is an activity that can be enjoyed by BOTH males and females.

2. Boys need reading material that appeals to them. 
As a parent, teacher, or librarian, you may not like the idea of a student reading Captain Underpants, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Stink, Hank Zipzer, and so on. You might not think books that are merely lists and facts are appropriate. You might find comic books and graphic novels too graphic or not literary enough.

However, these are the types of materials many elementary school boys find interesting and enjoyable. 

I just want boys to read and I want them to enjoy reading. 

If it takes a book focused on farting and barfing to get a boy involved in and enjoying reading, I am ok with that. 

Get boys hooked on reading material that they find interesting and enjoyable, and later, when they have more experience with reading and maybe even WANT to read of their own accord, you can likely get them to read more sophisticated material.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I got one boy to practice reading by tying Spider Man into every tutoring lesson. I got another boy to improve his reading--and eventually to really enjoy reading--by allowing him to read the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series. Another boy was able to get into reading when I convinced his parents to allow him to read Captain Underpants--that boy gained three grade levels in reading ability in less than six months and was soon reading the entire Harry Potter series on his own and loving it.

You don't need to necessarily approve of your son's reading material--just be excited that he's reading at all!

3. Boys and girls BOTH may benefit from a phonics-rich teaching approach, but don't discount whole word (or sight word) instruction entirely.
Tyre discovered that a study done in Scotland showed that students taught exclusively with a whole word (sometimes called sight word) approach typically did not read as well as students with significant phonics instruction.

My tutoring experience supports a strong phonics base, but the English language is tricky and most of my reading students have benefited most from a mix of phonics and sight words practice. The majority benefited from about 70% phonics and 30% sight word instruction, and especially if manipulative tools (things they could hold and manipulate) were used during instruction.

One of the researchers Tyre interviewed noted that boys in particular seemed to like using magnetic letters that they could move about and rearrange and such approaches to teaching phonics seemed to work well for most students.

So, even if your child's school is using a sight words approach to teaching reading, I want you to bust out the fridge magnet alphabet letters and let your kids go to town with them! As a parent or teacher, use the letters to create both real and nonsense words and let your kids do the same. Perhaps even make up complete sentences of ONLY nonsense words and read them aloud to each other--you and your child will be forced to sound out all of the letters. 

The student I mentioned above who gained three grade levels in just a matter of months did exceptionally well with a phonics-based approach and with significant practice with made up words. Each session, we spent a few minutes on simply pronouncing letters and groups of letters. As he progressed, the groupings would become longer and more complex. Occasionally I would include a difficult real word to see if he would catch it during our pronunciation practice--the more his reading skills improved, the more frequently he found the real words hidden among the made up ones.

And a bonus on boys and writing...
Finally, Tyre touches on boys and writing--in particular, the fact that boys typically like to write about topics not deemed acceptable at most schools. Boys frequently want to write stories rich in action and conflict, often involving the bad guys dying violently. Or, they envision space warfare with battleships fighting for space territory and blowing each other up. Sometimes boys write about blood and guts. Sometimes they write about monsters.

Overwhelmingly, teachers are appalled by the natural subjects of boys' writings.

If that is the case for your son, I encourage you to accept that this is merely an expression of creativity and that boys often gravitate to these subjects NOT because they are violent themselves, but because it allows them to play out heroism. 

Boys and girls both need freedom to express themselves and to be creative. For boys, this often is at odds with what educators expect of them. 

However, without such creative expression, we would not have Superman, Star Wars, Tron, GI Joe, and many other iconic movies and characters that so many of us have grown up with. 

What struggles have you experienced in your own education with regard to reading and writing? What are your children's experiences? Share with us in a comment!

And, are there ways we might be able to help you in supporting your young readers and writers? How can we help you to advocate for or encourage your kids in their educations? Let us know!

You can find all of our posts about The Trouble with Boys by Peg Tyre here:

• Post #1: Why we're reading The Trouble with Boys by Peg Tyre
• Post #2: Introduction through Chapter 3
• Post #3: Chapters 4 through 6
• Post #4: Chapters 7 through 9
• Post #6: Coming soon!

Head to your local library for the books mentioned in this post, or click through the links below to Amazon to purchase the books: 

• Captain Underpants series by Dav Pilkey
• Diary of a Wimpy Kid series by Jeff Kinney
• Stink series by Megan McDonald
• Hank Zipzer series by Henry Winkler

If you bring home some of these books, let us know what your kids thought! 

Be sure to also sign up for our newsletter so you get first dibs on new content, tips and ideas, and special discounts and announcements on upcoming products and courses--sign up HERE.

This post contains affiliate links.

5 {more} ways to encourage your kids to read

I love to read.

I just do--reading is my favorite activity. It is what I would do all day, every day, without fail if I didn't have other obligations.

I grew up in a family of readers and have always had an affinity for books. I was lucky enough to have a librarian for a grandmother, and some of my happiest memories were receiving huge boxes of books that the library had pulled from circulation. Sometimes they were still in excellent condition. Sometimes they were all but falling apart. Regardless of their condition, I loved them all.

I still remember several books from those boxes--and I still have a few of them as well! There's the well read, slightly tattered Peanuts Lunch Bag Cook Book and a well loved copy of What Do You Do, Dear? There were many Eric Carle books (you know, the guy that wrote The Very Hungry Caterpillar). I received my first Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books in these boxes.

I loved them all.

As a professional educator and private tutor, and a lover of books and reading, it pains me to see a child who struggles to read, or worse, to hear a child say they don't like to read. It also pains me to hear other educators and literacy advocates insisting on one and only one method of reading instruction--regardless of what type of instruction (more about this in a future post).

I previously shared five tips to help encourage your children to read in THIS post. Today, I have five more suggestions for you!

1. Don't insist on perfection
Do you like it when someone stands over you and watches for, and points out, every single mistake?

No? Are you sure?

Well, guess what--your kids don't like (or need) it either.

A sure fire way to turn a child off to learning is to be too rigid, focusing on every single little detail as they read. It is perfectly normal for ALL readers to miss an occasional word, be slightly off in pronouncing a word, and so on.

Let reading be enjoyable and an activity to be excited about, even if your child can't read perfectly. Sometimes mistakes lead to self-correction. Sometimes mistakes lead to conversation. Sometimes they don't even notice the mistake.

Pointing out every single little mistake, every single time your child reads will take away any possible joy. It also will cause your child to lose sight of the plot, characters, and other details of what they are reading. It likely will also create unnecessary anxiety.

That said...if you notice your child repeatedly making mistakes, making so many mistakes that their reading makes no sense, or making mistakes that radically change the meaning of what they are reading, start paying attention--if they keep doing it, your child may need some reading help.

2. Read to the dogs (or cats or hamsters or goldfish or potted plants)
Check with your local library to see if they have any "read to the dogs" or similar activities. Or, have your children read to pets you may have at home.

One of the sweetest little girls I have ever tutored had significant anxiety reading aloud. She would read aloud with me, but not with most other adults (not even with her mom!) outside of school. I suggested to her parents that they allow her to read to their dogs. She loved the snuggle time with her dogs and the dogs loved the attention! Over time, reading to her dogs aloud helped her to overcome some of her reading anxiety, and eventually she was able to start reading aloud to her parents and siblings.

Don't hover. Don't read along. Don't correct.

Let your child read aloud to the pets, or even to a house plant, without interruption. The goal is simply to get them reading and then to get them comfortable with reading.

You can work on specific skills like pronunciation, speed, fluency, and so on separately.

3. Let them see YOU reading
You've probably heard this before, but if you want your children to read, they NEED NEED NEED to see you reading too! I can't stress this enough! There is ample evidence that children need to see their parents reading.

Read the newspaper in the morning.
Read a novel while you relax in the evening.
Read on a Kindle or other e-reader.

You don't need to point out your reading--"Hey kids, look at me! I'm reading!"--just make it a natural part of your day.

Even if you don't really enjoy reading yourself (first, figure out why that is! I bet it's actually ingrained in your childhood), find a book that you think you might like (or at least tolerate if reading isn't your thing), and make it a point to read a little bit every day and in your child's presence. If you don't really enjoy reading, try just a few pages a day.

Just be sure you are reading in your child's presence so the act of reading is normal for your children.

4. Easy is sometimes OK
If your child doesn't have some EASY reading experiences, you might as well write off reading confidence. Sometimes it is perfectly and completely OK for your child to read material that is "too easy" on occasion.

When my tutoring students struggle with their school reading material, I let them choose some pleasure reading that is several levels easier. Even if they only read this easy material for a few minutes per day, knowing that they have read something with ease may help boost their confidence.

Occasional easy reading material helps children to also practice skills so that they become second nature. Once they have really developed early reading skills, they can then build other skills.

If your fourth grader is struggling to read A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle for a school assignment (one of my favorite books, by the way), let them spend a few minutes reading a Judy Moody book by Megan McDonald or a Ramona Quimby book by Beverly Cleary.

If your first grader is struggling with Frog and Toad Are Friends by Arnold Lobel, let them try Cat the Cat by Mo Willems. If Cat the Cat is too much, don't be afraid to let your child enjoy picture books before tackling Frog and Toad Are Friends!

The goal is to build confidence. Your child should be challenged periodically with harder material, but if the reading material is too hard all the time, your child will grow discouraged and just give up.

5. Take turns
You know what your children are likely to enjoy a whole lot? And you too?

Reading TOGETHER. I don't care how old your child is--reading together can be great fun and a wonderful bonding experience for your entire family. Although I suggested in my last reading tips post that you hold a read-a-palooza and spend time reading together, I also want you to take turns reading aloud to each other.

While you can read almost anything together, taking turns is especially ideal for struggling readers, readers who tire easily, or kids who have reading assignments that are a little too challenging for comfort.

Depending on your child's age, attention span, and skill level, consider alternating paragraphs, pages, or even chapters.

If your child is in school and has to keep a reading log, the teacher may not like this, but I believe that taking turns still counts towards school reading logs. If you read 10 pages together, alternating pages, write down 10 pages on the log--not just the half that your child read.

As you are taking turns reading, be sure to ask your child questions as you read. Some of my favorites are:

• What do you think will happen next?
• How do you think {character} felt when {event in the story} happened?
• What would you do next if you were in this story?
• Does this seem realistic?

I'd love to know about YOUR childhood reading experiences. Please comment! Did you grow up in a family of readers? Were you encouraged to read? Did you struggle with reading as a child (or now)?

Go out and pick up the books mentioned in this post at your local library (and be sure to find out if they have any read-to-the-dogs events!) or buy them on Amazon below:

• Peanuts Lunch Bag Cook Book by June Dutton and Charles M. Shulz
  
• What Do You Do, Dear? by Sesyle Joslin
• The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
• Nancy Drew series by Carolyn Keene
  
• The Hardy Boys series by Franklin W. Dixon and Scott Burroughs
• A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle
• Judy Moody series by Meg McDonald
• Ramona Quimby books by Beverly Cleary
• Frog and Toad are Friends by Arnold Lobel
• Cat the Cat series by Mo Willems

Be sure to come back on Tuesday for Part 5 of our book club reading of The Trouble with Boys by Peg Tyre! We'll be tackling topics including boys and literacy! Don't miss it! 

If you don't have refrigerator alphabet magnets, and aren't sure where to buy them, we've pulled together links to four of the top sets on Amazon below!

This post contains affiliate links.

5 Self Care Ideas for Busy Moms

My friends, I hate to admit that I’ve been having some mommy tantrums this summer. I am just so DONE with the constant demands of being a work at home mom and wife and daughter and sister and friend and neighbor.

I am tired.

I am sleep deprived.

I am overwhelmed.

Don’t get me wrong, I love and adore my children and husband, friends, and family. However, lately I’ve been losing sight of my own needs. I’ve been losing sight of what makes me happy and fulfilled—I know there are many that think I should be satisfied with my life as it is and that I should just enjoy my kids while they are young. But, you know what?

If mama isn’t happy, no one is happy!

Am I right, moms?

Well, when I realized that I haven’t been enjoying life fully lately, I started paying extra attention to some of the things that make me feel good and help break up my sometimes monotonous schedule.

Here are a few things that have been working for me:

Exercise—I’ve been trying to get up and take my dog for a walk in the morning before my husband goes to work and my kids get up. That means, before anywhere from 5am to 7am and it’s just me, the dog, and the silence of morning.

No kids. Just me.

It’s been a great way to start the day and I end up feeling motivated and refreshed when I return home. I definitely notice the positive impact that exercise has on my mood. By extension, that leaks over into my interactions with my kids throughout the day.

Reading—I love to read, but I don’t often have time to do so. Or, rather, I don’t make the time as often as I should. Either way, our Mom2MomEd book club has been great for me! I mean, I HAVE to read for the book club, right? I can’t exactly run a book club and not participate—that would just be silly!

Reading is my down time and helps me to refocus my brain. It gives me a few minutes to sit down and do something for myself.

I like it.

Coffee—Of course, coffee! Actually, coffee is less about what’s in my mug and more about where I’m drinking it and the mood around my cup of coffee. My backyard is particularly peaceful in the mornings, so I’ve been trying to get outside and drink my first (of many) cups of coffee on the back deck.

The air is cool.

The birds are chirping.

The chickens are out hunting for bugs.

It’s peaceful and a great way to start my day!

Showering—Ok, I know, I know. I do shower every day. I just don’t always do it in the morning, my preferred time to hop in the shower. Some days, I am out the door and just throw on a hat and whatever clothes are closest and clean without even feeling like I’m fully awake.

Taking a morning shower helps me to start my day feeling alert and ready for anything. Plus, I just plain appreciate those few minutes to myself!

Making lists—I make a lot of lists, but I don’t follow most of them. For me, lists are more about the act of writing things down, not necessarily crossing things off. I tend to remember things once I put them on paper so the acting of writing my list is like mentally priming the pumps for my day.

I always have at least one list out on the kitchen table with the activities that we have going on that day or coming up soon. Lists help me to feel in control in a world that so frequently feels completely out of control.

I realize that this list of self-care ideas isn’t profound. That wasn’t the point.

The point is that I need to take care of myself—I need to put in time daily to tend to my own needs so I can be refreshed, alert, and PRESENT for my family.

These activities help me focus, break up my days, and at least give me some sense of control.

If you find yourself having your own mommy tantrums and meltdowns, give yourself a mommy time out. During your mommy time out, grab a journal and make a list of your own self-care ideas. Include those things that you love but set aside so you can tend to others.

As busy moms, it is so important that we take time for ourselves and re-group mentally so that we can put our best foot forward.

The days are long when you feel like you are constantly struggling. I can be guilty at times of complaining instead of helping myself, and I don’t always have the energy to do anything other than simply getting by and surviving. If that’s you to, then you are not alone!

We are in this together.

Now, go pour yourself a cup of coffee (or tea, but truly, coffee is magical—Malea agrees with me!), and find ways to carve out some ways to steal a few minutes for yourself.

Check out these other great posts:

Looking to simplify life? Try meal planning with these cute, printable worksheets:

The book that revolutionized my relationship with my son

Wow!

We are blown away by the response to McKenzie’s Parenting My Spirited Child post! We knew it would resonate with some of you, but we didn’t realize how many of you would connect with that post so strongly! Thank you so much for the likes, comments, and shares. We truly appreciate it.

A few comments reminded me of a book I read when my son was three (he’s 17 now).

It was a particularly rough patch in my life and I was truly struggling as a mother. My son had multiple food allergies, increasing anxieties, and I was dealing with an abusive partner (my son’s dad). The mix of it all, along with trying to finish my undergraduate degree and working at the same time, was just far too much for me to handle at times.

Partially as an escape, and partially in search of solutions to my problems, I found myself taking my son to the public library A LOT.

One day, I came across a book that looked promising, and I wasn’t disappointed!

Fourteen years later I still use lessons from it!

The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children by Steven W. Vannoy truly transformed my relationship with my son and started me on the path to not just wanting a change in our lives, but to actually feeling like I could make that change happen. This was also the first parenting book where I was able to take a specific tip and apply it to our lives with immediate positive results repeatedly.

I don’t recall the specific tip in the book that was the turning point, but it happened one evening as we were eating dinner and my son didn’t want to eat his vegetables. His dad’s typical reaction was to get angry and to try to force our son to eat because, you know...

That’s always effective, right?

Nope, never effective to force a child to eat when they truly don’t want to.

I recall that instead of reacting with anger, dominance, or some other power emotion or move, I wanted to turn things around. I took a deep breath and tried my utmost to respond to my son’s veggie refusal with understanding, support, and love.

I don’t remember my exact words or my son’s exact words, but I do remember that he responded in a positive way and we found a new level of mutual trust immediately. Instead of melting down into tears, my son ate his broccoli and dinner went on without incident!

I also began hugging my son more, and holding on until my son deciding to stop the hug.

The tips and ideas in Vannoy’s book have had long lasting implications for my son and I and have formed a solid foundation for us to move forward through some exceptionally trying times. My son knows he can come to me with anything he needs to talk about, even if he knows I won’t like it, because I have made a consistent effort to stay calm, open, and understanding.

Now, don’t get me wrong!

It’s not always easy peasy, happy rainbows and unicorns!

My son and I do have plenty of misunderstandings! He sometimes gets grounded or loses privileges, but for the most part, even after something negative, we move past it with trust and faith in each other as parent and child.

In fact, just a month and a half ago, after spending HOURS upon HOURS in the car together, we had to unload a packed car and sort things at the same time (read a little about that trip and connecting with your child HERE). We were both frazzled and just DONE, but due to a tight timeline, this task had to be done right away. The more we worked to unload, the more tired and cranky we both become.

We stopped communicating clearly because we were so fried.

I was far more curt in my speech than usual. My son was less observant than usual.

Neither of us was using our words well to express our needs.

At one point, my son started to get upset. He took some things from the car and up to our storage unit and was gone for what seemed like a long time. I was starting to get angry, but caught myself.

Instead, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this was just as UN-fun for him as it was for me.

When he came back down, he was able to tell me that I’d upset him and was struggling and didn’t want to make the situation worse.

I fell back on some of the lessons in Vannoy’s book and looked at things from my son’s point of view and ended up apologizing to him.

As a parent, you need to figure out what your kids need and how to clearly communicate your love and support to them, even when you really are pretty upset yourself. I’m not talking about being your kid’s friend or having a free-for-all-hold-hands-and-be-happy-all-the-time kind of relationship.

You are still the parent and your child is still the child. But you can take steps to make sure you are BOTH heard and understood.

The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children by Steven W. Vannoy was a true gift for my relationship with my son. I hope you’ll give it a read and that it will prove beneficial for you as well.

Head to your local library for Vannoy’s book or buy it HERE on Amazon.com.

When you are done, be sure to come back and let us know what you thought!

Be sure to check out these great posts:

Parenting My Spirited Child--Can you relate?

Mommy's "I'm Over It" summer tantrum

The Importance of Family Meals

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