End of the Year Wrap Up: A Teacher's Perspective

As I write this, we have 8 days of school left in our year (although it'll be summer break by the time you read this).

We began our year by counting the days we've been in session, and it's somehow morphed over to the ultimate countdown to summer. I look at this dwindling number with both excitement and pangs of sadness. My time with these little students--my charges for the school year--is almost up.

Since I teach at a Montessori school, there is a high probability that over half of my class will return to my care next year, but the 3rd graders will not. They'll be moving on to the world of Upper Elementary where there are no more birthday circles, homework is abundant, and independence is the key to success.

As I write this, I'm taking a break from filling out report cards. It is exciting to see the measurable data in student progress. Looking at beginning, middle, and end of the year test scores can sure make me crack a smile! However, the things that you can't measure--and no one else can really see--are the most valuable to me. Too bad it's the least important data for a report card.

Report cards don't capture how many hugs we gave (and received) this year, how many times a student stopped what they were doing to help a friend, who participated in class discussions or the several times we completely got derailed in order to stop and appreciate each other.

I value the academic accomplishments and am so proud of my students, but I really want to highlight some of the biggest milestones we had this year.

At lunch one day, one of my most reserved students felt safe enough to respectfully advocate her perspective on adopting animals. She did it in such a mature and kind manner that I was completely taken aback. I emailed her mom to let her know how proud I was of this young girl.

I also had a student who is so shy that he hardly ever speaks in group settings. He has gained some confidence this year, but I was completely blown away when he nailed his solo part in our class play! He sang his little heart out on stage. I was teary eyed watching him and again while writing this.

I have a little first grade boy who demonstrated to the class what grace looks like during a puzzle contest in which he challenged me. He's an expert puzzle master (but so am I) and all year he's asked if we can do a "puzzle challenge." With 20 minutes on the clock, we both frantically scrambled to put a 100 piece puzzle together in the classroom in front of our biggest fans (my other students). He's good enough that I couldn't let my guard down and I ended up winning (barely). Instead of sulking, he stood up and gave me a high five and said, "Ms. McKenzie, thank you for doing that with me." His reaction speaks volumes for his character.

Report cards also don't measure the fact that this year one of our classmates passed away. It doesn't show the compassion these kids were capable of, the tears that were shed, and the projects that were sprung into action to memorialize a good friend. It doesn't show that we lost instruction time because we were too sad and confused to go on. Or that I now have a huge stack of books about the loss of a child and my class has every one of them memorized. 

Report cards don't show that their little hearts had to go through so much.

They don't show the times that I asked students to just pitch in and help me get things done and the little sleeves that rolled up instantly. They don't show the coffee that was delivered, the lunch that was shared or the times that we all belly laughed together.

My favorite memory of this year happened right after we returned from winter break. Our classmate passed away while we were on break, and I was distracted and foggy one day and stood in the lunch line holding up 3 fingers instead of our usual 2 finger peace sign. One student said, "What are you doing Ms. McKenzie?"

I immediately snapped to it and felt myself getting embarrassed and turning red. They must have noticed because they all sprung into action saying, "That's OK, Ms. McKenzie! It just means extreme peace." I looked around and all 23 little hands were proudly holding up 3 fingers to save my pride. I started crying, of course, and proudly displayed my 3 finger peace sign the rest of the way to the lunch room.

To this day you'll find my class holding up 3 fingers instead of 2, 99-percent of the time. It's a special memory that only this particular class will ever really understand. I know that five years from now, if we run into each other in the halls and hold up 3 fingers it will be like our own little secret language.

So, while I value data and understand the importance of assessments, I also value life experiences just as much. While I'm writing report cards and inputing numbers, I'm also reviewing our year together. If your student didn't get the highest points on a math assessment or isn't reading at the desired level, remember that doesn't mean your child isn't successful. I can guarantee that your child's teacher can rattle off a hundred special memories from their year together that would demonstrate what type of person your children are much more effectively than any data driven report card can.

So my little birds are getting ready to fly the nest.

I'll send them on their way and wait for some of them to return to me next year. For those that won't, I'll check on them (secretly of course) and wait for the opportunity to hold up 3 fingers next time I see them in the hall.

How did the year finish up for your kids? What are you looking forward to for summer and next school year? Leave a comment and let us know!

Parenting through grief

I recently wrote about life being overwhelming and how I'm coping. Today, things seem more dire than ever. As I write this, I'm sitting next to an extremely ill family member and preparing myself for the worst.

I've already ugly cried twice in the last few hours and probably will have several more ugly cries before the day (weekend, week) is out. 

I'm trying to take things one day at a time...one hour at a time...

I'm trying.

But, I also have a son to think about. Even though my son is 18, he's still my baby. His brain is still developing, and all of his hormones are still all over the place. Overall, he's a normal 18 year old in most regards.

I feel so lucky to have the son I have. 

Like any other 18 year old, he's forgetful. He's more into his MMOG--massively multiplayer online game--than chores. He'd rather talk about The Walking Dead or Breaking Bad than school or a job. He's concerned that his hair parts in the right spot and how he looks in his jeans.

He loves Campbell's Chunky Soup, Doritos, and Hot Pockets, but he'll eat fruit and veggies if I put them in front of him.

He loves our dogs and where we live. He loves his family and his friends. He's smart.

He doesn't party or sneak around. Other than forgetting his chores, he's super responsible and dependable.

I have a good kid. He's a good egg.

But, we are struggling with grief.  I started going to a therapist a few months ago to deal with my multiple responsibilities and a health issue of my own, but now it's time for my son to talk to a therapist too. We're both close to facing some major changes in our lives due to our family member's health crisis, even if that family member pulls through and comes home.

Which brings me to the point of this post...how do you parent through grief?

My natural inclination is to hole up, alone, at home, and to block out everyone and everything, but I'm a mom. I can't ignore life.

For now, I'm parenting through grief in the following ways:

1. Counseling
There is absolutely no shame in seeing a therapist, a shrink, a counselor--sometimes the pressure of what life brings is just too much to bear alone. I needed a safe, judgment free place to talk about what I'm going through and to get unbiased input in how to deal with it all. Sometimes just talking it out is enough, but at other times my therapist has given me exercises to work on or specific tasks to take care of. Even if the sessions are sometimes really hard, they always help.

I've been to counseling before, and if you are considering going, please know that sometimes the first few sessions make you feel worse before you feel better--keep going! Also, if you don't like the first person you see, try someone else. You need to have a good fit with your therapist in order for counseling to be effective.

If you don't have insurance or think you can't afford counseling, ask about sliding scales, fee forgiveness, and payment plans. Years ago, when I was in an abusive relationship and had virtually no disposable income, I was able to pay a mere $5 per session thanks to a sliding scale. Some churches and organizations even provide counseling for free.

2. Medication
Just as there is no shame in seeing a therapist, there is also no shame in taking an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. I was on antidepressants for two years when my son was a toddler. I was overwhelmed with a bad relationship, trying to be a good mom, and trying to finish my undergraduate education. I stayed on those meds until right before I left our abuser. I would not have gotten through that period of life without the support of medication, a primary care doctor that was incredibly supportive, and a good therapist.

Today, I saw my current primary care provider, a nurse practitioner, and got a prescription for an antidepressant. My emotions and thought processes are all over the place due to stress related to ill family members and emergencies, work, parenting, my financial situation, and more. I needed help...I'm hoping the medication will help smooth out the edges and reduce the emotional roller coaster of emotions to gentle speed bumps. I don't want to be numb to life, but I want to be clear enough to handle everything.

3. Friends and family
I am thankful that I have a strong network of friends and family--many friends who are so close that they are like family--and so does my ill relative. I was able to ugly cry in the arms of one friend and she and her husband were extremely helpful in facilitating a meeting with a doctor and to articulate my relative's wishes clearly when I was at a loss for words. They also have been wonderful at intercepting contact between other friends and concerned acquaintances in order to give me some space to focus on the situation at hand. 

We are lucky in that our friends and extended family are willing to pitch in and help with my son too. A neighbor can take him to the grocery store and already often brings him soup and other homemade treats that he loves--even when we don't have a crisis happening! Friends, neighbors, and relatives fill in the gaps.

4. Ugly cry
I cried in the shower last night, and I pulled over my car and ugly cried in a parking lot. Getting out those overwhelming emotions while alone allowed me to pull myself together to focus and get through the hours ahead before the next wave of emotions. 

5. Exercise and nutrition
I have to admit that I've had two very large coffees today and I have a Coca Cola in my bag as I type this. It was tempting to stop at McDonalds or to guy buy junk food, but I made a better choice and bought a small package of almonds and filled my water bottle with actual water. In an hour or so, I plan to go to the hospital cafeteria and get some fruit, veggies, and protein. 

And, this evening, and again tomorrow morning, I will take my son and our dogs for a long walk. Exercise, even just walking, gets the positive endorphins going. I don't expect exercise or nutrition to make me perky and happy--all sunshine and rainbows--but it will help give my son and I a little boost. Walks together also give us time to get out of the house and outside of our own heads. And, occasionally, a walk opens up communication and we talk about deeper topics and what's going on in each of our hearts.

I anticipate a long road ahead for both my son and I. And, I anticipate that life will get worse before it gets better. Grief is a process though and even after all the unknowns around our family member's situation are resolved it could be a while before life goes back to normal.

If you are facing similar challenges, remember to be kind to yourself and focus on what you can control. Eat well, exercise even if only a short walk, and lean into your friends and support network. Go to counseling. Talk to your primary care doctor about what's going in your life. Consider medication--but only if you know you can take it safely and carefully.

And, if you are so overwhelmed that you are having dark or dangerous thoughts, get help immediately. Call your doctor's office. If you are thinking of hurting yourself or others, go to the Emergency Department for immediate help or call a suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255. 

Take care of yourself so that you are able to take care of your family. Sometimes, it's ok to put yourself first. 

And, if you have any good tips on coping with grief while parenting, please leave a comment.

We want to hear from you! How do you cope with overwhelming life events?

We need to hear from you!

We have posted a couple of times now about life throwing us for a loop and these past few weeks are no exception! Just as things start to calm down in our lives, either McKenzie or myself gets knocked upside the head with something new. 

And, it's not all just run-of-the-mill stuff that we all experience either.

My uncle was just diagnosed with a brain tumor--grade IV glioblastoma, to be exact. On the one hand, it's the most common brain cancer in adults which should be reassuring, but on the other hand, it's also highly aggressive and outcomes can vary from a few months to many years of life after diagnosis. He is just at the beginning of his treatment journey and a lot is uncertain. Overall, he looks fine, is behaving normally, and he feels fine, but who knows if that will continue? 

Everything feels uncertain. EVERYTHING.


On top of that, there are the everyday dramas and difficulties that come with being an adult. But, somewhere along the way, over the past few weeks, I've hit my wall. And, McKenzie has hit some walls of her own recently.

Truth be told, when I am alone in the car for more than a few minutes, I am falling apart. I even ugly cried twice at work--once in front of my boss. And, my son, 18 years old last month, is struggling too. We'll do support groups and maybe private counseling, but sometimes it feels like TOO MUCH to deal with.

So, dear friends and readers, we want to hear from you.

When life smacks you with something totally unexpected, overwhelming, heartbreaking, or otherwise seemingly huge and impossible, how do YOU cope?

What has worked for you that may not be on our radar?

Do you do best with the usual support groups, counseling, exercise and eating right, or are there other things that you've done to stay sane and get you through difficult periods?

Please share with a comment here or on Facebook or Instagram. 

Please note, by commenting, you agree to us potentially using your comment, in part or in total and edited or not, in a future blog post. Our hope is that your comments may offer ideas and tips that will not only help McKenzie and I get through some difficulties, but also that you may have insights that will help other readers.

5 Valid Reasons to Take a Break From Blogging

If you have been following along on Mom2MomEd either here on the blog or over on Facebook, you may have noticed a big drop off in our posts. We had posted previously about life getting in the way of our progress, but then life REALLY amped things up in both good and not so good ways.

As a result, I have been thinking a lot about when it is and isn't ok to take a break from overall goals, and in particular McKenzie's and my goals for Mom2MomEd. Sometimes you have to step back, re-evaluate priorities and adjust. And, sometimes you even have to dump everything to deal with immediate needs. Last week, my family was hit square in the face with a "dump everything to deal with immediate needs" situation--and it's not even close to being over, although things have calmed down some.

So, today, I present you with FIVE valid reasons to take a break from blogging:

1. YOUR FAMILY
In the past two weeks, McKenzie's son started kindergarten and her daughter started preschool. My own son turned 18, and a family member had an out-of-nowhere health crisis (see point #4 below). Plus, my dad and step-mom who live only 10 minutes from me are preparing to move far, far away--a transition I knew about but am not ready for. 

Our families needed us and we needed them (and still do!). If family isn't a good reason to take a break from a blog, then I don't know what is!

2. YOUR EMOTIONAL HEALTH
Along with family, your emotional health is a great reason to take a blogging break. Sometimes, you just get to a point where your brain and your body start pushing back and telling you, "ENOUGH! Take a break! Pull back and refocus!"

I've been feeling that a lot lately!

Between my son hitting three milestones all at once (turning 18, starting to drive, and starting college), working two jobs in addition to Mom2MomEd, a family emergency, and family moving away, I am SPENT!

I have had minimal energy left for anything other than meeting immediate needs.

I love Mom2MomEd and our plans for our business, but my brain simply couldn't process anything other than the above...at least that was the case prior to this morning.

Until today, I was an emotional wreck and it was causing me to sleep too much but without actually feeling rested, to have headaches, and to generally feel awful emotionally and physically. 

3. YOUR FOUR WALLS


If you are a Dave Ramsey follower, you likely have heard him talking about the "four walls" and how those needs must be met before anything else can be addressed in your financial life. Although it has been a long while since I've been in financial crisis mode, taking a blogging break to get your financial life in order is crucial. Yes, you could potentially earn money via blogging, but that is a long-haul and few strike it rich from blogging quickly (or even slowly!).

If you are struggling financially, back off of your blogging and focus on ensuring that you have enough money coming in to cover your "four walls"--food, shelter, basic clothing, and transportation. If you aren't meeting these financial needs, stop blogging and find some other ways to earn money faster and in larger quantities! Once your four walls are stable, you can re-evaluate your blogging plans.

Thankfully, McKenzie and I both have our four walls in place and covered! 

4. AN EMERGENCY 
As mentioned above, my family had a serious emergency last week, and it will have long lasting repercussions. I think most of us are still getting over the shock and trying to wrap our heads around what happened and what is to come. I'm not ready to share details yet, although McKenzie knows what is going on (that's what BFFs are for, right?). 

Because of the emergency, I left work early, traded shifts, and have spent a lot of time sorting through the healthcare system and what has happened, needs to happen, and might happen. It is going to be a long, stressful road for my family and many friends. And, it's too early to tell how this will all play out.

If you or someone you love is having a true emergency, it is perfectly OK to stop blogging--in fact, I encourage you to take a break.
Focus on the crisis at hand and work towards stability.  
 
5. YOU ARE MAXED OUT
By now, you've probably figured out that I have been totally MAXED OUT recently! I just had nothing left in the tank day after day over the last few weeks. In addition to the chaos of our family emergency, I also am an introvert working very long shifts in an extrovert environment. I love my job, but it can be draining mentally! Plus, it is draining physically--I can easily get 5,000 steps in just the first few hours of my shifts! Add in my son's milestones, family moving, a weeklong visit from my mom, and so much more, and well, I'm DONE! FRIED! OVER IT!

Sometimes you just need a break--something had to give for me, and it turned out to be blogging. Thankfully, McKenzie is an amazing friend and business partner. We balance one another well, and we both understand that sometimes life takes over and you have little control over what is happening. 

It is in those moments that you have to agree to back off and refocus.

If you are blogging or working on some other project that is in addition to your family, livelihood, and other priorities, I give you permission to let the blogging or other projects go on hold until life is sorted and you feel more balanced!

Be sure to check out our other posts about handling life when things get difficult HERE.

How to help your child cope with chaos and tragedy in the news

If you have watched the news at all lately, you are well aware of the chaos and tragedy that has been occurring in our country. As mothers, community members, and human beings we at Mom2MomEd are saddened that this is the world that we are living in right now.

Considering that every day seems to bring with it a new tragedy, it’s sickening to think what the country may be like when our children grow up and are adults raising their own kids. I cannot even imagine it.

Will our children and grandchildren feel safe? Will they be able to freely walk outside of their homes without fear? Will racism and bigotry be better or worse? Will people finally have had enough and choose kindness over violence?

Times are scary for adults so it’s hard to imagine the impact that this can have on our kids.  

Even if your children aren’t watching TV, reading newspapers or hanging out on social media, they may still pick up bits and pieces of tragic events and our responses to them. Maybe your children aren’t there yet but, one day they will be aware of local, national, and world events. It’s important to think about how we talk to kids about events and things that can be scary.

It’s difficult for young children to differentiate between fact and fiction when it comes to watching things on TV or hearing stories from other sources. For example, a movie may seem just as real to a young child as a snippet on the news. Knowing that the news reports real life can be scary for kids.

If they see a natural disaster occurring across the world they may not be able to rationalize that their house won’t also succumb to a flood while they sleep. They can’t yet fathom that something on the other side of the world or the other side of the country is far, far away. To a child, it might seem as if these things are happening in their own community.

What do you do when your child asks you a question about something they saw on television or heard about at school? How do you handle your child’s fears about events in the world?

Drawing on my experience as a social worker, teacher, and now parent, I offer you the following advice...

The first (and I think most important) thing to keep in mind is that you set the tone for how your child will react. 

If you stay calm and rational when speaking with children  then chances are your child will stay calm and rational too. Be sure that you don’t overreact, otherwise you will only create fear and panic in your child. The goal is to provide enough information that is age appropriate to satisfy curiosity and answer questions without increasing your child’s concerns or worries that something will happen to them or their family.

Remember that in addition to keeping your discussion age appropriate, also use your judgment to guide you with regard to your child’s personality and temperament.

Both of my kids are particularly sensitive, and I know that I need to keep that in mind when speaking to them about things. They also pick up easily on other people’s discomfort, especially mine since they spend the most time with me.

At a very young age children mainly need to know that they are safe and that you are available to protect them.

As your child gets older and you are confident that they can additional handle bits of information, it is important to know what they are already hearing and from where. Ask questions to see what they know and how they feel about it. And, talk about whether or not the sources of their information are reliable.

Let your child describe their feelings to you without judging them. 

Be open and accepting of feelings your child may have that you think may be unfounded—remember that this is about what your child is actually feeling, not what you think they should be feeling. You may assume that they feel one way when, in reality, they are feeling or experiencing something completely different. Let them lead the discussion while you thoughtfully listen.

Sit with your child, maybe hold them in your lap or lay a hand on their arm or knee. Occasionally say, “Oh” or “Uh-huh” or “I see” so they know you are actively listening.

Older children and teens may be curious and want more information. They may research and gather their own details to formulate their own opinions. Keep in mind that older children and teens may not show their emotions as openly as younger children but can be just as worried and scared. Ask your kids what they are hearing or seeing and ask them what sources they have gathered information from. Evaluate those sources with your teens and tweens for credibility. Older kids and teens are much more savvy than young children, but they still may find unreliable sources of information, even outright incorrect details. Do research with them and help them to make sense of what is going on and use this as a teaching tool to talk about finding reliable information and how to weed out fiction from fact.

Ask your teens and tweens if they know anyone affected by the news or events they are hearing about or following. Don’t assume that they are old enough to handle this information on their own. It can be just as scary (and even more so) for teens as they are much more aware of the world than their younger counterparts. They also are much more likely to know people either in real life or in the virtual world of social media and gaming that are directly touched by some of the terrible things taking place in the world.

Often teens and tweens don’t want to talk right away or directly about, well, about almost anything unless it is their idea. To get around this, consider talking while doing some other activity. Go for a walk together and bring up world events while walking. Talk while buying groceries. Talk with tossing around a basketball. If your child still doesn’t want to talk, try sending them an email or a text message to open the door. The key with teens and tweens who don’t want to talk is to make sure they know that they CAN come to you and that you are there for them.

Above all, regardless of your child’s age, be present and available. 

If your child has questions or is scared there is nothing more important that being available. Check in often to see how they are doing and to reassure them that you are there.

Tragic events can also open doors for you to talk about compassion and helping others. Maybe there is a neighbor who could use a little cheering up, or a friend who needs a hand. 

Finding ways to help someone close to home can also give a child (and you) a sense of control in a seemingly out of control world.

Keep the door of communication open and remember the goal isn’t to give the maximum amount of information but rather give just enough to make your child feel safe and secure. They will look to you for cues on how they should react. Staying calm and rational is key.

If you feel that your child has fear or anxiety about their safety or security, and it goes beyond what you feel is normal, make sure to contact your medical professional to provide support and guidance. They will be able to guide you on the next steps for your child, possibly including counseling if your child’s fears or anxiety have them on high alert all of the time.

Have you had difficult discussions with your child? What did you say? How did they react? Please share your experiences and tips in the comments.

In thinking about this post, we also looked to everybody’s favorite neighbor, Mr. Rogers. Although the events he discusses in the below video aren’t quite the same as what is happening in many communities in the United States and around the world today, it still bears watching: