3 books to help your kids (and you) cope with divorce

Please note, this is cross posted at my reading blog, Caffeinated While Reading.

 

Divorce isn't easy for anyone, but it can be especially hard for our children who may not have the maturity or vocabulary to understand or talk about what is happening in their family. It is hard for kids who may feel insecure, who may worry that they are unloved, who may think the divorce is their fault. 

 

It's obviously hard for parents too. 

 

And, the difficulties on both sides -- parent and child -- can make talking about divorce and making your and their way through it difficult. Books can help. 

 

My son was 4 years old when his father and I separated, and it was hard on all of us, but especially on JP. My priority was making sure that he understood that he was loved and wanted and that he had a safe way to explore and express his feelings. I spent a few hours at my local bookstore, looking at children's books about divorce and changing families and brought home the following books -- the first two are specifically for children and the third is for parents.

 

I will be honest, my son wasn't always in the mood to have these books read to him or to read them with me. Sometimes he was just mad and wanted to stomp around and be angry or to curl up in a ball and cry. But, I would calmly remind him, "Hey, I know you don't want to read these books right now, but I also know that when we do read them together, you always end up feeling better. You start smiling and relaxing and we can talk about what you're feeling and thinking about afterwards. It's OK if you just want to curl up in a ball while I read to you, or I can rub your back, or you can pace around and just listen."

 

Most of the time, he'd curl up next to me or in my lap or he'd want me to rub his back while we read, and almost every time, he would feel better -- and he'd recognize that too. We read each of these books dozens of times from the time he was 4 years old until about 7 years old, and they truly helped both of us to navigate difficult emotions and conversations.

 

If your family is going through divorce or separation or you know a family that is, I hope these books will help you or them too. 

My Family's Changing: A First Look at Family Break-Up by Pat Thomas and Lesley Harker

 

This sweet book combines a story with discussion prompts. You can read it straight through as just a story, you can stop at each discussion prompt as you go, or you can stop at one discussion prompt and set the book aside while you talk things through.

 

The illustrations combined with the story and the prompts helped my son to feel like he was seen and heard amidst the grown up problems. The prompts are especially great if you aren't sure how to talk to your child about divorce or a family break up. 

 

There's an entire range of books in the series from topics such as family dynamics to bullying to inclusion and diversity and more. 

• Buy My Family's Changing on Bookshop HERE.
• Buy My Family's Changing on Amazon HERE.
  

 

Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown

 

Like My Family's Changing, Dinosaurs Divorce helps kids navigate the ups and downs and new normal of divorce and changing families. And, if the dinosaurs look somewhat familiar, it's because Marc Brown is also responsible for the Arthur books and cartoon series. Of all the books we had about divorce -- and we had many -- this is the one we read the most.

 

My son particularly liked this book over the others because of the dinosaurs. I think it was easier for him to view divorce through the lens of a non-human character and it was easier to approach a very real and difficult topic through very unreal/non-human characters. Children live in a magical space between reality and make believe, and they often use make believe to sort out their feelings about very real problems. Using dinosaurs in place of humans is a great way to help ease kids through such a difficult experience.

 

Also like My Family's Changing, Dinosaurs Divorce is part of a larger series of books that tackle numerous topics. One of the most popular other books in the series is When Dinosaurs Die. 

• Buy Dinosaurs Divorce on Bookshop HERE.
• Buy Dinosaurs Divorce on Amazon HERE.
  

Mom's House, Dad's House by Isolina Ricci

 

This book is for the adults in a child's life, but it will help you manage your own way through the divorce or separation in a way that supports your child. 

 

One of the reasons I love this book is that it doesn't assume anything is one parent or the others fault. In fact, it offers suggestions and analysis for self-reflection to look at your own behavior and thoughts as both a parent and a divorcing or separating adult and think, "Is this thought or behavior reasonable or am I the problem in this situation?" Ricci also gives many ideas and tips and thoughtful suggestions for how to talk to children and how to work with the other parent or guardian.

Ricci's book helped me to navigate disruptive issues with my son's father and to set firm boundaries during a difficult situation. It gave me a framework for sorting out what I needed as a half of a divorcing couple but also what my son needed and how to best show up for him. It helped me to see both sides of the divorce and gave me many excellent ideas and tips to consider when it came to the overall situation, as well as for specific situations and for sorting out a parenting and custody plan. The book gave me a vocabulary to use and a way to look at things more objectively. 

I truly believe Ricci's book helped me to navigate what was best for my son, even when that sometimes conflicted with what I wanted for myself.

 

There's also a kids version of Mom's House, Dad's House by Isolina Ricci, but I have not read it or reviewed it. Have you?

• Buy Mom's House, Dad's House on Bookshop HERE and the kids version HERE.
• Buy Mom's House, Dad's House on Amazon HERE and the kids version HERE.
  

There are many, many books about divorce for parents and children, but time and time again I am led to believe these three are the best. What books do you think divorcing or separating couples should read? How about kids stuck in the middle?

 

Please note: links may be affiliate in nature. Making purchases through these links may result in a small commission to us at no extra cost to you. Thank you in advance!

 

Learning through play ~*~ Summer engagement series, Part IV

I'm so excited for today's post! While I've enjoyed writing the previous posts in this series, I hope this one will truly be fun for me, for you, and for your family!

Today, we are talking about learning through play!

Given how the last few months of the 2019-2020 school year ended, I firmly believe your kids (and you) deserve to have some time to decompress and just enjoy life instead of trying to force a new method of learning and a new teaching model. But, as I explained earlier in the week, many families and teachers worry about "summer brain drain" or the loss of academic gains due to the lengthy period of time between the end of one school year and the start of the next. You may be worried that your student will have gaps in their education or skills or that they aren't learning enough this summer -- I also noted in our previous posts that your children's teachers are preparing for this. They know that the school year did not end ideally for most families and that many students merely maintained rather than making academic gains. Teachers and schools are already thinking about how to address this as the next school year begins this fall.

So, today, let's get back to focusing on FUN and PLAY! 

And, your kids, I promise, are learning as they play. In fact, for younger children, play -- not academics -- is one of the most important things that can happen on any given day. This is supported by quite a bit of research, and if you read our series reviewing the book The Trouble with Boys by Peg Tyre, you'll already be familiar with the fact that pushing academics too soon or under overly stressful situations generally backfires. Even if gains are made in those situations, they even out later in a child's academic career.

So, again -- FUN and PLAY are your prescriptions for this summer!

First, there are a few loose rules to ensure that your kids actually learn through play -- I know, counter-intuitive right? It actually makes a lot of sense. 

In order to truly learn from play, children need to:

• be free to engage in activities THEY choose, even if you aren't into it 
• find their activity enjoyable
• be allowed to be spontaneous, imaginative, and creative 
• be directed by their own internal compass
• risk and judgment free so they can express themselves without worry 

In other words, your kids need to be the drivers of their playtime activities and experiences. Your child may absolutely love an activity that you cannot stand. As the adult, it is your job to suck it up and let the kid indulge in the activity anyhow. They need you to be able to sit back and accept the silliest, wackiest, weirdest things they may come up with through creative play and imagination without criticism.

Now, of course, you need to make sure they are safe and not at risk of harm, but otherwise, leave the play session up to your kids. 

By freely playing and exploring their toys, found objects (cardboard boxes, empty toilet paper tubes, art supplies, rocks, etc.), your kids intuitively soak up lessons about how the world works. It is upon these intuitive understandings of the world around them that the foundation is built for more structured, formal lessons later in their academic careers. 

For many kids, true play is both a physical and mental activity. They move around and change positions. They use gross and fine motor skills. They examine and inquire. They form questions (all those "whys", am I right?). They touch, listen, look at, taste, smell the world around them. Even older kids do this, although older kids have typically developed better gross and fine motor control and better self-regulation so play for older kids generally looks and sounds significantly different than for younger kids. 

Be sure that your kids have access to plenty of games, toys, or supplies that are open ended and require your kids to formulate their own ways of interacting with the materials. For example, a large cardboard box affords hours and hours of creativity and play for most kids. So do blocks, Legos, paints or pens or crayons and paper, and so on. 

 
Be sure to check out the rest of our series on summer engagement:

• Preview: Summer engagement -- how to keep your kids learning all summer (Read it HERE)
• Part I: Is summer "brain drain" real and where do we go from here? (Read it HERE)
• Part II: Keep those kids reading this summer (Read it HERE)
• Part III: Bolstering math skills over summer (Read it HERE)

A Note From a Teacher

So much is going on in the world right now! And it's difficult for all of us -- adults and kids alike -- to make sense of it.

Schools are closed.
Businesses are closing.
Groceries have empty shelves and limited hours.
We are being asked to stay in our homes

This is bringing on a new role for parents that they have not been tasked with before. Not only are many families home together rather unexpectedly, but parents are feeling the pressure to not just parent, but also to take on the role of teacher, many of whom never planned to nor wanted to homeschool their kids. 

This can be incredibly scary, intimidating, and just overwhelming, to say the least.

As an elementary school teacher, let me tell you this: just maintaining a loving, supportive, and safe environment is enough right now. 

If you hug your child and reassure them, then you did enough. If you play a board game and let them help make a snack, you did enough. If you are stressed and overwhelmed and needed a break and to take a moment for yourself, you did enough.

You are enough for your children. 

I know many teachers (myself included) have sent home packets, resources, and emails to parents about what they can do to support student learning. Trust me when I say, we don't expect you to replace us during this time. We don't expect you to have amazing lesson plans, perfectly executed spelling tests, or even to have any clue as to what you should be doing. 

We send materials and emails to support you, to help with the unexpected down time we all now have, to keep some normalcy in an incredibly uncertain situation, and to help you and your children as best we can.

I have been sharing with the families in my class that I don't expect them to be teaching their children during this time. While I hope that my students will continue some learning, I don't expect that they will complete every worksheet in the packets they were given.

As a teacher of younger kids, I would like you to view this is an opportunity for your children to learn outside of academia. It's a chance for them to pitch in, learn new skills, and participate in the family unit a little more.

Learning happens in a million different ways, not just at school or through carefully crafted lessons. We know you are stressed and worried, wondering how to juggle having your kids at home, working from home, and everything else. And, we would love to help you with all of that, but rest assured, that sometimes it is OK to take a deep breath, expect things to be less than perfect, and to set aside structured academics for less structured family experiences. Your kids will learn a number of skills and tools through non-academics without them (or you) realizing it.

At my house, last night we played the board game CLUE and built critical thinking skills. Tonight, we planted some seeds and labeled them for our garden (science!). Last weekend, everyone in the family folded their own laundry and then pitched in to clean the living room (home economics and life skills!). Tomorrow, we will do some math practice (from the packets sent home by my children's teachers), and then we'll take a break to work in our garden.

I'm confident that building in everyday activities, you will also manage to building "lessons" into everyday life without thinking about it. And, that will be enough for your kids right now. Will I plan some structured academic time into our day? Sure. But, if it doesn't happen one day are my kids going to fail and end up struggling for the rest of their lives? Not a chance.

These circumstances are ones that we've never been faced with or even considered in our lifetimes. No one knows exactly what to do. As a teacher, some my best lessons have come from the unexpected and required improvisation in the moment. I've stopped my entire class so that my students could watch a butterfly fly by, to have an unexpected dance party, to all give a hug to friend, and for a million other moments that have come up unexpectedly. You can do that too. Just like teachers, you have to follow the lead of your child (to a degree -- you are still the adult, after all). 

No one learns when they are hungry, scared, or uncertain.

It's ok to get back to the basics and to tie learning into life experiences. Or if you're having a day like I did today, scrap your best laid plans, embrace the chaos, and start over tomorrow. 

I promise you this: you are enough and can provide the solid, loving foundation your children need in these uncertain times. 

Give yourselves a break, don't expect perfection, and we'll be back with some tips on how to make this all more manageable.

Leave us a comment and let us know:
What is working well in your household right now?
What are you or your children struggling with?
What do you wish your children's teachers knew about how school-at-home is affecting your kids?

Ok, class, {{{{GROUP HUG}}}}}!

A teachers perspective on safety drills

Back to school is upon us and a lot of parents are worried about safety -- there have been far too many school shootings (one is too many) in recent years, and thus safety concerns are very real.

When I was a kid, we worried about a rabid dog, a swarm of bees, possibly a homeless person wandering onto campus.

We heard the fire drill, and happily marched to our assigned spots on the blacktop.
We stood quietly until all was clear and then returned to our classrooms without a second thought. It doesn't matter how I feel about guns...these shootings are happening now and they're not going to go away tonight. 

As a teacher, I typically know when our drills are going to occur. I mentally plan how to work our day around the time it will take for us to line up, walk out, and then return to class. Only we don't get straight to work. No way--I teach Kindergarten! My students need to process. After a drill, they are loud, so very loud. Drills are out of the norm, so far out of the norm. 

We have a process. We line up, I grab my safety vest, walkie-talkie and class binder. Someone grabs the class turtle. Yes, we plan to rescue our turtle! We walk quickly to the blacktop and face the trees. I quickly count the children and then hold up my green binder as a sign that we're all here. Then, we wait. Sometimes, the drill is over quickly, and sometimes it takes a bit longer. When the drill is over, we about-face and return to class.

I hear a lot of questions:
"Ms. McKenzie was that a drill?"
"Is there a fire?"
"How come you didn't tell us there was a drill?"

I answer the questions the best that I can, and I talk about why we need to practice--it's important to know what to do in case we ever have a real emergency.

Yet...sometimes we don't have fire drills. 

Sometimes we have lock down drills.

These can be to prevent smoke and other airborne toxins from coming into our classroom. We lock our doors, close our blinds, and carefully place rugs in the gaps under our doors. Then, we wait, quietly going about business as usual. 

It's confusing. Why are we doing this?

We talk about it and we process. We come up with reasons why this is important. We laugh that we have to whisper, and sometimes we just sit close to each other and wait.

Other times, we practice for an active shooter. The kids don't know this, of course, but I do. 

During these drills, we lock our doors, close our blinds, push tables and chairs in front of our doors. 

Then, all 26 of us cram into two itty-bitty kindergarten bathrooms that smell like pee. I tell my students not to talk--these are 5, 6, and 7 year olds. Not talking while smashed together in a tiny space? Yeah right! 

I stand in front of them. There is nothing more powerful than a mama protecting her cubs, and for eight hours a day these are my cubs.

I am ready.

Then, we process. 
They are in Kindergarten. 
They don't need to know exactly why we are doing this.

My young charges understand that bad things happen, but they don't need to worry about this happening to them.

Every once in a while, a child will chime in and say, "My mom told me people shoot kids in schools."

My heart sinks. Yes, kids have been shot in schools. I'm wracking my brain about how to talk about this. I refuse to lie, but I'm not also willing to tell the truth. Ugh, I pull things out of my hat, like, "Remember how we practice for fires? Well we also need to make sure we know what to do if someone who doesn't belong on our campus tries to come to our class."

Did it tell them enough to answer their questions, but not enough to scare them?

I spend the rest of the work time watching them.

Is there anyone who seems emotional? Scared? Maybe needs a hug? Do I need to do another processing session to make sure that they are all OK? How can I make this better for them?

As a parent, I know you send your child every day to school, hoping they are safe and well cared for. I know you don't want to picture your child standing in a bathroom with 24 other students not making a sound. It's really a awful thing to have to do. But, we do it. We do it not because we think it's fun to scare kids and make them do uncomfortable things. 

We do it because knowing what to do gives them a fighting chance.
Because we know that if they are all together in one space we can better protect them.
Because, unfortunately, we have too.

Rest assured parents...when your child is practicing these drills that no one wants to have, in front of them stands a teacher. A teacher who will protect those kids like they are their own. A teacher who in his/her mind is thinking, "I dare you to try to come in here."

A teacher who cares.

I've heard some mumbling among my friends and fellow parents lately about concerns about these drills. Some have suggested space age type pods that keep children safe, jugs of rocks to throw at intruders, and so on. Please don't assume that we want to do this. Teachers aren't the enemy. Honestly I'm not really even sure what is. I just know that my job is to keep these kids safe and I'm going to do it in any way possible. If that helps you sleep even a tiny bit better at night, you're welcome.

How do you talk to your kids about these types of safety drills? Do other teachers have tips on how to address children's concerns? How do you ensure that everyone feels safe?

Three tips to ease potty training

My son and I went through potty training about 15 years ago--he's 18 now and, thankfully, we practically sailed through potty training during the toddler years. I know not everyone is so lucky. Several of my friends have young kids and are going through the potty training journey now with varying levels of success and frustrations.

While there are no guaranteed methods to potty train your child with ease, here are three steps I took with my son and why I think they worked so well:

1. Keep the door open
This seems to be a little bit of a controversial suggestion, especially if your child is the opposite gender of yourself, but if it's not a hassle, why not keep the bathroom door open?

I think one of the big reasons that kids are afraid to use the toilet or have difficulty with potty training is simply that the bathroom is mysterious. They know there's a toilet, and maybe they have some idea of what the toilet is for, but without seeing anyone use it, the toilet is this mysterious thing--it's this bowl, filled with water, with a huge hole. It makes complete sense to me why a child might be afraid of the toilet! If you had to sit on a bowl with an opening significantly larger than your backside, wouldn't you be afraid of falling in???

I struggled with toilet training my son until I didn't get the door shut all the way one morning when I had to use the bathroom. My son followed me to the bathroom and pushed the door open and suddenly the mystery around using the toilet was gone. After a few more times of seeing me use the toilet, it became much easier to convince him to sit on the seat--of course, we did get a little seat that fit on top of the regular toilet so that he wouldn't fall in! (THIS seat is very similar to what we used.)

You can buy little potty chairs, but I honestly think you can skip that unless you are traveling a lot and think your little one can't make it between pit stops.

2. Make it fun
There are a variety of ways to make potty training fun. My son didn't really need stickers or treats or other little trinkets when it came to potty training, but due to some ongoing gastrointestinal issues, he did need a way to pass time on the toilet without focusing on the actual task of going potty.

I kept a basket in the bathroom filled with some of my son's favorite books and periodically slipped in a couple of new books as well. We read books related to using the toilet, as well as many other little books that were simply enjoyable to read together.

We also spent a lot of time singing silly children's songs while he sat on the toilet waiting for the potty action to happen.

Then, once he'd peed or pooped we both clapped and I would give him a hearty "Good job, buddy!" and we'd do a high five. If you can get your child onto the toilet, it doesn't take much to make it a happy, fun experience (as fun as going to the bathroom can be, anyway!).

3. Stick to a schedule
You don't need to be super strict in keeping your child to a potty schedule, like drilling down to the minute or even to the five or ten minute marks; however, your child will benefit from a loose potty schedule. You'll need to gauge where your child is in their potty training and how long they reasonably can go between potty breaks to determine the schedule.

With my son, we started out by going to the potty first thing in the morning, trying for the same time every morning. Then, we would make a trip to the toilet every two hours throughout the day. Over time, we were able to stretch to three, then four hours between bathroom trips. Of course, we weren't always successful and sometimes we were out doing errands and a bathroom wasn't readily available or the only available bathroom was too gross for us to even consider.

As I mentioned, there are no guarantees that any particular method will work for your child. You may have to do some trial and error to find what works best for your family, but above all, pay attention to the clues your child is giving you. You may find that other tips and tricks work best for your family. Ultimately, do what works for your child's temperament and your situation.

Of course, I am not a medical doctor or other medical professional, so if you have any concerns about toilet training or other issues with your child, be sure to consult a pediatrician or other appropriate professional. The tips I provided here are only my opinion and are not to be taken as medical advice.

Are you a seasoned parent that has already gone through potty training with your children? What great tips or ideas do you have to share?

Please note, this post does contain affiliate links and we may receive a small commission if you make a purchase through our links--of course, we are always appreciative! Thank you!

Goal setting for kids--guidelines to help your children succeed with New Year's resolutions

As I write this, the New Year is just beginning, and like many of you, I've been thinking about this past year and my hopes for this new year.

I mentioned recently that to my 6 year old son that sometimes people make resolutions at this time of year in order to improve their lives or to change for the upcoming year. I suggested that maybe he would like to think about something he would like to do better this year as well.

He said, "Yeah, mom, I'll make a resolution." My heart got happy and I was so excited that he was on board with making some adjustments with his mama!

And then, he said...

"I'm going to be the BEST at building Legos, stay home from school, and just do nothing."

Um, well, kid, those are some, uh, interesting goals.

Of course, I should also tell you that I hadn't really explained what resolutions actually are, why they are significant or any other details to help him understand what all this New Year's stuff really meant. 

But alas, he then repeated his resolutions to me several times, with pride.

Eeeek!

What I should have done, and meant to do, was to explain the significance of resolutions and goals and how New Year's resolutions in particular symbolize second chances, thoughtful planning, and looking ahead. It's a time to focus on what we want to do better and to bring new appreciation for the people and experiences that are important to us.

Since I obviously failed at giving my son a foundation upon which to set his resolutions, I will take the time to do so when I bring up resolutions next time!

Now that I've realized my mistake, I have decided to break the idea of resolutions and goal setting into categories to get both of my kids thinking about different parts of their lives. I'm calling them goals now since I think the idea of "resolutions" is too big and abstract for my 6 and 3 year old children. However, ultimately the specific word is less important than making sure your kids understanding the meaning of what you are talking about.

So, what categories will I be using with my kids in helping them to set and achieve some goals this year? We'll be setting goals in these areas:

• Personal goals
• A family goal
• A community goal

As you can imagine, my kids are likely to come up with some rather abstract goals, so I do believe in helping guide children to more concrete ideas. However, immediately, we'll just be starting with ideas and then focusing them down as time moves on. I am focusing on process more than outcome at this point.

In addition to setting these categories and guiding my children from abstract to concrete ideas, I believe you also need to use age appropriate vocabulary and explanations with your kids. My children will understand "Everyone can do something better and everyone can help out a little more. Let's talk about how you can do that and how mommy and daddy can too."

As a visual person who has highly visually children, I typically write words or phrases (or have my son write them out) and then my kids illustrate the concepts we wrote down. We have already done this with chore charts (read more HERE), reminders, and other things posted around our house, and doing the same with our goals will fit in perfectly! We'll post our illustrated goals where we can see them all the time. That way, we'll see the goals throughout the day and it will serve as a visual reminder for us.

Since my kids are pretty young, personal goals for them might be things like remembering to clean up their toys before bed and putting things away where they belong so toys don't get lost. Or, maybe their goals might be things like making a new friend at school or the park.

Family goals will be guided quite a bit by my husband and I. I have in mind activities related to things like weekly family dates or outings that we can all do together. I'd also like to start giving to others as a family. Instead of just doing the same things over and over, I will be looking into various organizations and places in our community that might need help. For example, animal shelters are always looking for warm towels and blankets, along with dog food and other supplies--something I already committed to donating in 2017 (see THIS post). This also ties into a community goal, right? I also plan to look into volunteer opportunities and to reach out to some of our elderly neighbors to do some little good deeds!

Here's the catch in all of this resolution and goal setting...

It's all well and good to plan and think and want to do this stuff. The hard part is making a conscious effort to actually go out and do them and to include my children in my giving.

So, that's how I am starting the year with my family, but I'm really excited to know how YOUR family is approaching goal setting! Do you make or keep resolutions? How do you hold yourself accountable and how will you help to keep your kids involved and working towards their goals?  

Did you like this article? Check out these additional fun posts:

 

 

10 things I got RIGHT as a mom

Let's face it, this whole mothering thing is HARD work! It's so easy to feel like we've made mistakes and messed up (as I wrote about HERE), but you know what?

For all the mistakes and regrets, there is so much more that we get right!

Although I never grew up wanting to be a mom--my life plan from a young age was to be a single, carefree, childless woman of the world, working in Emergency Medicine and to travel when not working--being a mom has turned out to be the BEST thing I have ever done. Truly the best. I wouldn't want to undo this aspect of my life for anything.

My son is my world.
My son is my life.
My son is simply wonderful.

It has been a a wonderful gift to be my son's parent, and I hope you feel the same about your own children. 

Here are 10 things I feel like I got RIGHT as a mom:

1.  I hugged him A LOT.
As noted in THIS post, I am committed to hugging my son with the single rule that I hold on until HE lets go. I started doing this about 15 years ago, when my son was three years old. These hugs fill us with a sense of connection, and I think the hugs fill my son with a sense of safety and belonging.

I actually still hug him a lot...even when he doesn't want me to do so.

My son may be 18 years old, but he still needs his mama and this mama still needs her son. I don't plan to stop hugging him anytime soon, and he seems to be OK with that most of the time, often coming up and giving me hugs for no real reason other than that he wants to. 

2.  I played with him a lot
After I left my son's dad and got us out of that toxic environment, I made it a point to play with my son as often as I could muster the time and energy. We might play together for only 10 minutes or a few hours, but the point wasn't how long we played together, but rather that I was fully in the moment with my son. I also made it a point that we spent that time playing whatever my son wanted to play. Some of our favorite activities together were (and, actually still are):

• building with Legos
• drawing
• having a doodle war (more on that in another post)
• kicking around a soccer ball
• taking a nature hike or river walk
• going for a bike ride
• reading together (especially Read-a-palooza style--read about it HERE)

I wish I could say I played with my son every single day--one of my regrets is that I didn't--but I did the best I could and I know I played with him and gave him my undivided attention a whole lot more than some other parents I have encountered.

My son still asks me to play with him, but now it is mostly video games. 

3.  I gave him adventure
Although some of our adventures were huge (moving cross-country TWICE), others were more modest but still adventurous compared to how many of our friends live their lives. We made regular outings to the local nature areas in our town, accessing them in many different areas to have multiple different experiences, and we toured a lot of different museums, landmarks, and other places of interest too. At one point, we took to letterboxing, an activity where you follow clues to find a hidden log book in which you leave a mark (usually an inked stamp mark). Letterboxing took us all over our city! You can google letterboxing, but I'll be sure to come back to it in a future post!

4.  I made him order for himself at restaurants
When I was a kid, I hated it when my dad made me place orders for myself, ask sales clerks questions I might have, and so on. I hated having to speak up for myself--I'm not just an introvert, but I also tend to be incredibly shy. 

My son is the same way.

I started making my son order for himself and ask questions at an incredibly early age. If you can't talk to someone just to order a meal, you are going to have a really hard time getting along in the world! My son is flying alone for the first time next week, and I know he'll be able to ask for help, if he needs it, because I laid the groundwork early.   

5.  I made him write thank you notes
Do you like to be acknowledged when you do something nice for someone else? Me too. My grandparents were HUGE on thank you notes and I started writing them as soon as I could write...as soon as I could hold a pencil and form letters. I started my son doing the same. Initially he required a lot of guidance, but now writes thank you notes entirely on his own--even for things he didn't want or doesn't like (see McKenzie's great post on teaching children about gratitude HERE).

6.  I prioritized reading and literacy over technology
As early as my son's first week of life, I began reading to him. I read everything from children's books to my college textbooks to my son. If it had words and was worth our time and energy, I read it to him. My son quickly picked up on reading himself and before long we were reading together. You can read a lot more about our reading experiences and tips and tricks to build a family of readers HERE.

Although my son had access to computers and technology at a young age, I made sure we read books every night at bedtime, had books all over the house (even in the bathroom) and in the car, and so on. We still both frequently take books with us when we leave the house. In fact, my son is traveling to New York City next week and every time we travel more than an hour from home, I buy a new book for each of us or check books out from the library.

Additionally, at my house if you claim to be bored, I am likely to hand you a pile of guess what???

BOOKS!

7.  Although I let him watch television from an early age, I implemented limits
As noted above, my son had access to technology early on. This included television. However, I did place limits on his television viewing. This included such things as no television during meals or snacks, limiting content that I deemed to mature, and strictly limiting violent content. Whenever possible, I encouraged reading instead of viewing. I believe this eventually helped my son to make better informed decisions about what was worth watching.

In fact, although I started talking to my son about ratings and such regarding video games, the practice of monitoring his television and movie viewing had a large part in his development of critical thinking skills, particularly in regard to media messages such as in commercials and other forms of advertising. Given the recent abundance of "false news" on Facebook and other social media, these early precautions have proven invaluable. Read more about teaching critical thinking with regard to media HERE.

8.  I was honest (but age appropriate) when he had questions about s-e-x.
At some point, all kids become curious about where they came from. That, of course, leads into conversations about sex... And, even if your kids don't necessarily have questions specifically about sex, they will hear about it at some point from their peers or from television or movies or the internet.

Your kids WILL be exposed to sex before they are ready...

Think about it--when was the last time you watched prime time television and didn't hear at least a vague reference to sex, if not an all out explicit mention or discussion about it? Commercials and advertising are filled with sexual content.

While you don't have to give your children the whole scoop on sex until they are older, it can be beneficial to make sure they understand some basics from a young age. In particular, they should know the basics of how their own body works and that mommies and daddies have different body parts.

My son's dad did a terrible job of talking to our son and gave him all kinds of misinformation. Thankfully, my son was savvy enough to figure that out and one day said to me, "Mom, I think daddy told me some things wrong about sex. Can you tell me the right stuff?"

A great way to start off any such conversation is to ask your child what they already know or think and go from there. I did just that and asked my son what his dad had told him. We went piece by piece through what his dad had said, and we talked about each item and the truth about each. I then went just a step further.

I believe in telling your child as much as they are comfortable with and then just a tiny bit more. You don't want to gross out or disgust your child, but you do want to make sure they are properly informed and not relying on media or friends for information.

And, above all, make sure your child has information to help keep him or herself safe when it comes to stranger danger, improper touching, and using protection if and/or when they have sex (hopefully not until they are 40 years old, right???). I also believe in talking to kids about the realities of sex and how it is a responsibility to be taken seriously--Personally, I told my son, "If you aren't ready to have and take care of a child on your own, you aren't ready to be having sex."

9.  I was OK with saying NO (a lot).
If you want to raise a spoiled brat that believes the world owes them everything and they shouldn't have to work or be responsible, that is your choice. However, I wanted to ensure that my son was able to be a responsible, functioning member of society, capable of taking care of himself. I believe saying NO plays a big role in that!

Your kids don't need every single toy they want. They don't need every cereal in the row at the grocery store. They don't need to go to every single movie, have every single video game, or to stay up late.

It's OK to say NO. And, to say NO a lot.

Your children rely on you to enforce limits and boundaries. It is part of how they form their views of the world and their place in it. Saying no to your child also helps them learn to deal with rejection which they will have a lot of when they get old--rejection from playmates, from love interests, from jobs, and so much more.

If you don't say no often enough, your children will turn out to be spoiled brats. 

10.  I got us OUT of an abusive situation.
The absolute most important thing I got right as a mom was to leave an abusive situation. My son's dad was, unfortunately, an abusive person. He was primarily verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive, but he also had started to physical lash out at my son in the couple of months before I left. Thankfully, my son doesn't remember a lot of that and I got us out before the damage and abuse were worse. 

I am sure there are other things I got right as a mom, and many more that I will get right in the future. There are probably a whole lot of mistakes that I've made beyond the ones in THIS post, but overall, I think I'm doing a pretty good job as a parent.

What about you? What are you doing right as a parent? What advice would you give to other moms and dads or parents-to-be on how to do a good job of raising their children? Post a comment and let us know!

Want to ramp up your parenting mojo? If nothing else, read THIS book! I read it when my son was three years old, and it changed everything about our relationship: 

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